At the Happiness and Wellbeing in Education Conference 2024, held at TH School Vietnam, Teacher Tom, an expert in child education from the United States, delivered a talk titled Speaking with Children So They Can Think. In his speech, he shared an important insight: 80% of what adults say to children are commands. This habit not only limits children's autonomy but also hinders their ability to think critically and make decisions for themselves.
Imagine a child standing at the edge of a playground slide, unsure whether to go down. Instead of offering encouragement through information like, "Sliding can feel so exciting! If you’re ready, I’ll be here to watch you". A parent might unknowingly issue a command: "Go down the slide, don’t be scared." Though meant to inspire confidence, this directive unintentionally pressures the child, leaving them with only two options: obey or resist. By contrast, providing gentle observations and support allows the child to decide for themselves, fostering independence and self-assurance.
This constant stream of commands fosters resistance. As Teacher Tom points out, humans are naturally wired to resist being told what to do—just like a dog pulling against a leash or a baby instinctively pushing back when touched. When children resist commands, it's often interpreted as misbehavior or defiance. However, their reaction may be a natural response to feeling controlled rather than empowered.
Constant commands leave little room for children to think critically or make their own decisions. As adults, we might resent being told to clean up a mess we already planned to address. Similarly, children may resist doing what they were already inclined to do when confronted with a directive.
By replacing commands with invitations, information, or curiosity-driven dialogue, we can foster independence and critical thinking. Instead of saying "sit down," try "Where would you like to sit?" This subtle shift creates space for collaboration, trust, and meaningful learning experiences.
Recommendations for talking to children
- Offer Choices: Empower children by giving them options. Instead of saying, “Put your toys away,” try, “Would you like to start with the blocks or the cars?” Choices help children feel in control and teach decision-making skills.
- Use Observations: Describe what you see rather than commanding action. For example, instead of saying, “Eat your vegetables,” you might say, “I see broccoli and carrots on your plate. They’re full of vitamins to help you grow strong.”
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage critical thinking with questions like, “What do you think will happen if we leave the paint out?” or “How can we solve this problem together?” Open-ended questions invite children to express themselves and explore solutions.
- Acknowledge Feelings: Validate their emotions before guiding them. For example, “I see you’re frustrated. It can be tough to share toys. What do you think we can do?” This builds emotional intelligence and trust.
- Model Curiosity: Share your thought process to demonstrate problem-solving. For example, “I’m wondering how we can stack these blocks higher without them falling. What do you think?” This approach encourages exploration and learning
- Focus on Collaboration: Frame requests as teamwork. Instead of “Clean up this mess,” try, “Let’s see how quickly we can tidy up together.” Collaboration builds a sense of shared responsibility.
A shift from commands
to friendly invitations to teamwork
or pair questions with some empathy so your child knows you understand their frustration.
By integrating these strategies into our daily interactions with children, we not only reduce resistance but also nurture their ability to think independently, build self-confidence, and strengthen their problem-solving skills.